Winner Takes It All
by aloe tea
Summary: Everyone knows that party games exist for one purpose, and one purpose only—Shockingly Fortuitous Matchmaking Scenarios! Luckily for Sasuke, though, this time things…don't go exactly as they should. Crack abounds! Sort of.


_A/N: These games always turn out the same, yo. Let's switch it up._

_Disclaimer: Yeah, no. Rated for Sasuke's dirty mouth and mind. _

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_**winner takes it all**_

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Sasuke scowled. What the fuck was he doing here, again?

"_Please come, dattebayo!" Naruto begged with teary blue eyes, his expression more like that of a forlorn ex-lover than of a groveling young man. "Remember that one time I chased you for three years and overcame super crazy obstacles to save the whole of Konoha from your quest for power, not to mention you from yourself and your angsty, angsty past? Come on, dattebayo—can't you do this for a FRIEND?"_

He scowled again. Oh yeah, that was why. Every time he wanted to get out of something, the damn dobe would guilt-trip him with the same stupid reason. Granted, it was sort of maybe a pretty big important reason, but still—he so did _not_ want to fucking be here!

_Here _was at a gathering of the Konoha Eleven plus Sai and himself, huddled in the basement of the Akimichi clan house. _Here _was sitting in a circle of mildly drunken shinobi, sandwiched between two damn Hyuugas—a tittering mess to his left and stoic bastard to his right. _Here _was playing a _game. _

A game! A _game, _for fuck's sake! He could think of literally a hundred better ways to spend his time, forty of which involved various training exercises and sixty of which entailed exceedingly violent methods of dismembering Naruto and Chouji to gruesome, bloody pieces for hosting the damn party, for no other reason than to celebrate that fatass Akimichi's stupid 18th birthday and to _just come hang out with everyone, dattebayo!_ He didn't even _like_ people, hadn't since a certain fateful day nine years ago, and here he was, playing a game—_with other human beings!_

…Okay, he had to admit that the game was at least a _little _amusing, though only because he had had the great fortune of being only an observer thus far. Though he couldn't be bothered to remember the name of the activity, he knew it involved the nins takings turns spinning a kunai until it landed on someone else, and then performing a dare with the chosen individual from a hat of choices. The designated nin would then repeat the process. Luckily for him, the kunai hadn't landed on him yet, which meant he hadn't been subjected to the hat…of _doom. _

Seriously, he wondered, who came up with these choices? The slips of paper contained within the hat varied from quirky to illegal to downright sexual. That last category was the most questionable of all—_sounds like some fucked up attempt at a matchmaking scheme, hn. Heard of probability, or I dunno…DIGNITY, dumbasses? _He was _trying _to be a nicer person, though, and _trying _not to lose his sort of completely undeserved pardon for his many unspeakable crimes, so Sasuke only snorted inwardly—because if his suspicions were correct, then he was really, _really _fortunate that the weapon hadn't landed on him yet…unlike poor Sakura, the kunai's recurrent victim of the night…

Sasuke scoffed. Whatever, he didn't give a fuck—all he knew was that he'd watched a ton of strange shit go down that night, and thanks to his Sharingan-enhanced eidetic memory, he would remember all of it for the rest of his godforsaken life. He'd watched Chouji and Naruto scream from the top of the Hokage Tower; Naruto bitchslap the hell out of Neji, which the Hyuuga seemed to interpret as another defeat to angst over; Neji and Sakura burn Gai-sensei's jumpsuits, which they'd destroyed with an alarming amount of glee; Sakura and Kiba moon a busy Konoha street, which elicited raucous catcalls from a disturbing number of shinobi and kunoichi alike; Kiba give Shikamaru a neck rub, which left the lazy nin mysteriously more tense and twitchy than before; Shikamaru and Tenten sing and dance to an annoying pop song in an excessively freakish manner; Tenten spank Ino, which led to not a few nosebleeds all around; Ino give Shino a kiss, with tongue, which they extended far beyond the ten-second time slot much to both nins' embarrassment; Shino challenge Kiba to a sake drinking contest, which the Aburame won handily much to everyone's surprise; Kiba and Hinata henge into Anko and follow her around for ten minutes, mimicking everything she did and eliciting the unholy anger of the dangerous Tokubetsu; Hinata and Sakura call Iruka-sensei and imitate sex with one another, which no doubt scandalized and discomfited the proper, saintly instructor; Sakura apply makeup to the eyes of a much too enthusiastic Lee; Lee and Sai steal a bottle of sake from the Hokage, the start of a most youthful and devious partnership; Sai draw a Sharpie mustache on Sakura, much to the Root nin's artistic delight and the medic's unabashed horror; Sakura and Hinata graffiti the ANBU headquarters, which revealed the surprising extent of Hinata's violently profane vocabulary; Hinata lick Chouji's ear, which caused _both_ nins to temporarily pass out; Chouji and Naruto eat three spoonfuls of the Curry of Life with no water, which was actually Sasuke's personal favorite so far due to the tremendous amount of pain inflicted on the two nins currently at the top of his hit list; Naruto hump Sai's leg, which the latter seemed to enjoy to a creepy extent; and Sai and Tenten trade clothing, which seemed to fit _both _parties alarmingly well.

Now it was Tenten's turn to spin the kunai, and Sasuke leaned back contentedly. _Come on, give me a show. _Maybe he _was _too much of a whiny little bitch sometimes—the evening truly wasn't that bad so far. Sure, he would do almost anything to erase the image of a husky-voiced Kiba rubbing the shoulders of an aroused Shikamaru, along with a few of the more disturbing images from the night…but he'd most definitely remember some of the others with glee. Like Tenten spanking Ino, mmmmm. And Hinata and Sakura mewling seductively during their steamy little phone session, _oh yezz_. And Chouji and Naruto facing terrible, fiery destruction from a bowl of spicy glop—_that _one had certainly appealed to his more sadistic tendencies, because fuck those guys! Yeah! And oh, how could he forget—Neji getting _bitchslapped_! By the dobe! _HA!_ Served that stuck-up, prissy excuse for a man right.

At that, Sasuke glanced over at the Hyuuga to his right. Wait a minute…was he _praying?_

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Neji exchanged a furtive glance with Tenten, for the umpteenth time that evening, before quickly redirecting his gaze to the hypnotic spin of the kunai. He wasn't sure _what_ to label the something he shared with his female teammate; all he knew was that he wanted that damn weapon to land on him. He felt his fingers twitch a little as he forced himself to refrain from lunging forth, stopping the kunai with a not so gentle fist, and screaming out, _"Mine, bitches!_"

He sighed, tuning out the amused grunts of Sasuke to his left and the impassioned shouts of Lee to his right, as he raised his gaze to the ceiling and let his hands fell into a familiar meditative position. _Please, oh capricious Fates, _he begged silently, _I am but a fictional character, one whose backstory involves a great deal of suffering and jarring plot twists in such a young life, and one who now finds himself written into what could potentially be a Shockingly Fortuitous Matchmaking Scenario. I am not asking for the utter annihilation of a significant portion of my closely related family, not anymore, just—please make this kunai land on me, and please, PLEASE bestow upon Tenten and me one of the more vaguely sexual choices…! _

He lowered his gaze from the ceiling at that, his eyes following the movement of the kunai. Neji scowled. _I even got _bitchslapped_ today! By the UZUMAKI! That's two times now that the orange brat has beaten me down! _He suppressed a growl, his brow furrowing angrily. _Not to mention the whole 'death of my precious father and lifelong oppression/subordination due to an eternal seal branded upon my very body by the evil machinations of my own uncle' thing! I deserve to have Tenten lick my ear, or give me a neck rub, or kiss me, or even hump my leg, dammit! Seriously!_

_Come on, Fates, _Neji chanted inwardly, as he focused even more intently on the spinning kunai, _we are all but characters in the tales you weave: you write the story, we simply follow the script. Make this our happily ever after; make this our waffily canontastic, the-shippers-doth-rejoice owari; make this our inescapable destiny. _

_I've suffered enough—surely—_

Neji studied the kunai with bated breath as it began to slow down. Time itself seemed to stretch infinitely as he watched the kunai make its final rotation—it was nearly ready to stop now, and Neji stilled in barely masked anticipation as it passed by Naruto, then Sakura, and now _Lee_, and now it was _right in front of him—!_

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Sasuke twitched.

The kunai had landed on him.

Great, just _great_. He didn't _want_ to do any fucking dares, he didn't _want_ to be in the stupid spotlight—he wanted to watch everyone _else _humiliate themselves, dammit! Sasuke started to feel angsty again. He was right before, he really didn't want to fucking be here.

He struggled to keep his annoyance under control, though he allowed himself a small glower at the other inhabitants of the room. Most seemed unaffected by the kunai's ultimate verdict, though he could see Neji muttering something unintelligibly to his right and Tenten slumping disappointedly from across the circle. Sasuke frowned. He was about to use his astoundingly superior and prodigious intellect to analyze and puzzle over this—only to be bowled over by Naruto launching himself across the circle.

_Ah, late reaction as always from the dobe, _Sasuke grimaced distractedly as he tried to shove off his supposed friend. Stupid kyuubi-strength grip. "Hell yeah-ttebayo!" Naruto cried out excitedly, completely impervious to the Uchiha's sneering attempts to remove him. "It's about time you went, teme! You're the only one hasn't gone yet, dattebayo!"

Naruto's outburst was met with unsurprisingly low levels of enthusiasm. If he were a lesser, non-prodigious, non-Uchiha male he would have sighed in relief. As it was, he only scoffed lightly and slowly inched his way toward the door. "Well that's nice, dobe, but I really should be leavi—"

"You're right, Naruto! Uchiha simply HAS to go!" Sasuke whipped his head around to scowl at Chouji, who, motherfucking birthday man host that he was, stood up to block the doorway with his massive frame and proceeded to remove all paths of escape. "Come on, guys," Chouji laughed heartily, cheerfully oblivious to Sasuke's withering death glare, "doesn't _anyone _want to see this fella get bitchslapped, or moon Konoha, or sing and dance to 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls? Amirite, yeah?"

A few evil smiles cropped up from around the room. _Shit. _Sasuke nearly yelped as he found himself violently yanked onto one of the couches, courtesy of an ink chain created by a certain homoerotic Root doppelganger, and manhandled into compliance by an all too enthusiastic green beast. _For real, SHIT! _He wanted to kill, he wanted to die, he wanted to _cry like a little bitch_—but he could only gape in horror as the nins who were _supposed to be his friends, dammit!_ gleefully cheered for Shino, who was the closest to the hat, to choose the paper detailing his fate.

Sasuke watched nervously as Ino, who had been sitting awfully close to Shino since a certain dare earlier that evening, leaned over the Aburame's shoulder to read the dare. Everyone jumped when they _both _started cackling madly. _Oh, this is bad. _"Oh, this is good," Ino choked out between giggles. "Oh, this is _good. _Tenten has to…well…she has to…"

"Spit it out already!"

"…Give the Uchiha a lap dance."

This statement, delivered in the Aburame's typical droning monotone, elicited a number of reactions from around the room. Shikamaru and Sai shared a creepy smile; Hinata passed out, _again_; Shino and Ino indulged once more in quiet cackles. Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji howled so raucously in their glee that they all fell into a tangled heap of stupidity and merriment. Lee yelled something about the pelvic region being the flowerbed from which the lotus blooms twice,_ YOSH! _Tenten blanched, turning white as she clutched her chest and struggled to breathe, though that might've been because of Sai's astonishingly tight shirt. Sakura and Neji sputtered and garbled incoherently, the former muttering something that sounded suspiciously like _"Shanaroo, that damn trollop!" _and the latter something resembling, _"Two stupid, stupid inches! Curse you, Fates—and curse you too, Uchiha!"_

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As for said Uchiha—he suddenly felt the collar around his neck grow inexplicably tight, and an even more inexplicable flush crawl up the expanse of his neck. _Fuck fuck FUCKING HORMONES!_ His mind raced wildly._ You can't lose it, Uchiha…think of Orochimaru! That kiss with Naruto! Suigetsu dripping wet and naked! ANYTHING! _

Before he could continue his frantic internal tirade or hightail it the hell out of there, he felt the warm press of a small body settle into his lap. He jerked his head up to meet the glittering amber eyes and flushed cheeks of an enraged Tenten, and was distantly aware that he was very well about to get the show he had asked for. "If we're going to _do_ this," she growled lowly, and Sasuke suppressed a shiver at the way her thighs wrapped around his own, "then we better do it fucking _right_."

She thrust herself into him, so vigorously that the two nins were suddenly completely flush with one another—and the hoots and cheers of his fellow nins immediately faded into the hush of his subconscious. He could feel the fullness of her breasts flatten against the muscles of his chest, the soft curves of her form complementing the harsh angles of his own, the fabric between them creating a delicious friction as she shifted against him. He groaned as he raised his hands to grip the small of her back, and for the first time ever he was grateful for Sai's exhibitionist taste in clothing—her skin was now wonderfully bare, fully exposed, an invitation for his fingers to slide up and down the lithe muscles of her body. He snarled lowly in the back of his throat as she began to roll her hips in a tight circle, her movements so achingly slow that he could feel his length throb urgently in response, begging to be released from the confines of his pants, begging to take her desperately and violently, right there, in public, spectators be damned.

Sasuke groaned again, this time less from the pleasure and more from complete and utter embarrassment. _Ah, shit, _he thought sheepishly, _it's only been three seconds and I've already become like that one perverted Sannin! Why does my imagination feel like the horny, erotic text of a hentai novel?_

A familiar scowl twitched at the corner of his mouth. Oh, right—he was a seventeen-year-old adolescent male, one who'd had females throw themselves at him for years but had never felt what it meant to be properly aroused before. If he'd known that _this_ was what his obsessive fangirls were promising him when they'd offered to _help you revive your clan, Sasuke-kuuun! _then he seriously would've taken them all up on those propositions _years _ago! As it was, he'd repressed these stupid hormones for so long in his ambition to first kill his brother and then destroy the whole of Konoha that, with the appearance of an attractive, half-willing female, his body was on the verge of an explosion. Actually, if he wasn't careful, he _would_ explode! Figuratively and literally! In front of _EVERYONE!_

He was startled from the terrifying prospect of losing his hard-won, hard-ass pride and dignity in the most spectacular of fashions when he felt a quiet, breathy moan dance across his neck—and suddenly he was once again very aware of delicate hands grasping at his biceps and muscled thighs gripping tightly at his waist. Tenten's eyes were clenched shut, the kunoichi seemingly as lost as he was in the sensations of their bodies against one another, in the motions of grinding and pressing and driving toward that inevitable climax.

Sasuke grinned evilly. Looked like this attractive female was a little more willing than he thought._ Uchiha ain't lost his touch yet—I'm not the fucking god of Konoha for nothing!_

With that thought, he brought his hands down to her rear, squeezed both cheeks roughly though the fabric of her pants, and thrust violently upwards. She gasped loudly, and he observed with languid male pride as she only ground harder, and breathed harder, and oh _hells yes _he was totally the fucking _man_—!

"Oi, you two! Are you seriously going to get it on, right here, right NOW?"

_Shit._

They both froze immediately at that.

Sasuke slowly let out a shuddering breath, both annoyed and grateful for the interruption, before finally chancing a glance over Tenten's shoulder. His glare first fell to the speaker, Kiba, and then shifted to the rest of the room—he noted varying expressions of slack-jawed bewilderment, mischievous grins, flustered unease, voyeuristic perversion, and one distinctly infuriated white-eyed glare.

Even in his mild embarrassment, Sasuke couldn't help but smirk inwardly. Ah, he got it now. _Well, Hyuuga, _he tightened his hold on her ass possessively, _that's just how the kunai spun, ya fucker…!_

An eerie stillness settled over the room, now that the erotic display had been so abruptly cut short, as they all tried to comprehend what _exactly_ had just happened. "Um, T-Tenten-san," Hinata was the one to break the silence, stunning all the nins for the millionth time that night and garnering everyone's unwanted attention. The shy Hyuuga flinched but ventured forth, especially after feeling the prickling heat of her cousin's murderous aura. _Cr-creepy… _"A-ano, aren't you going to g-get up—?"

"I have to go," Sasuke growled out suddenly, clutching at Tenten's thighs to prevent her from removing herself from his person. "It's urgent. I just remembered that I have to go…_ah…_sharpen my weapon."

"I'm a weapons mistress," Tenten answered automatically, not a little dumbly as she settled back into her straddle. "I could probably help you with…um…sharpening your weapon. Because I love sharpening large…shiny…large weapons…"

"Hn. And I've heard it's your specialty, too. Let's get the fuck out of here."

"Aw, come on, teme," Naruto burst out, finally shaking himself out of the sheer and absolute shock that had previously paralyzed the entire room. "You only went once, datt—"

"Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday and shit, Akimichi," Sasuke said dismissively, not really caring how much of a complete ass he was being. _Selfish bastards always win in the end, motherfuckers! Oh wait, that's the lesson I WASN'T supposed to learn…whatever, fuck it. _"We're out, and fuck you too, Hyuuga!"

Sasuke smirked as he shunshin-ed the hell out of there, reveling in both the flare of chakra that indicated an absolutely livid Neji and the feel of a soft and dumbstruck Tenten still wrapped around his hips. He'd be sure to mutilate Chouji and Naruto only a _little_ the next time he saw them; surely that'd be enough to express his gratitude for forcing him to attend this shindig, mhmm. After all, as a complete and utter bastard who probably deserved to rot in hell for all of eternity, he was infinitely grateful for the shockingly fortuitous spin of that kunai—how else, if not for the sometimes surprisingly generous whims of Fate, which apparently didn't care for canon couplings or karmic payback or anything of the sort, could he possibly hope to receive a lap dance from such a hot girl? Yup, lucky bastard indeed: the evening didn't turn out to be a waste at all.

And games weren't so bad, really. He was, after all, looking forward to…ah…games of a wholly different nature in the very, _very _near future. _Mmm, I am most definitely a winner tonight, _Sasuke thought absentmindedly as he rushed to the Uchiha Compound, Tenten in tow. _Not a bad night at all. Though I wonder if I can Sharingan Tenten and the others into…'playing' with me on a regular basis from now on, ukukuku…_

He felt a wicked grin curl his lip.

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_**~the end~**_

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_**~extra~**_

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Back at the Akimichi clan house, the rest of the nins were awakened from their stunned, hazy reverie—by the mini-earthquake caused by Neji gentle-poking a screaming hole into the wall. They quickly exchanged terrified glances. _Shit, we're all DOOMED! _

"Accursed Fates," the Hyuuga bit out angrily, readying another chakra-laden fist as he redirected his aim, this time at the support beams, "we are all naught but fictional characters, trapped within the pages of this world and life, forced infinitely along the convoluted paths of your dark and twisted whims, propelled ever toward the bitter end that all characters must one day face—and yet you've not the mercy to allow this poor, oppressed, caged bird of a soul even one moment of respite, even _one_ Shockingly Fortuitous Matchmaking Scenario?" Neji grit his teeth. "Oh Fates, you threw the dice…your minds are cold as ice—!"

"Calm the fuck down, Sir Monologue," Shikamaru drawled casually, as if they all _hadn't _just barely escaped certain death at the hands of an occasionally psychotic and homicidal Hyuuga prodigy. _Tch, what a drama queen. _"It's true that your life hasn't exactly been fair—breathe, Hyuuga, _breathe_—but the world can't always turn in your favor, you know? And if you haven't noticed, no one else here got their S.F.M.S. either. That would be the nature of probability, you know."

"But—but you don't _understand_!" Neji cried out, his veins bulging dangerously as he clutched a dramatic hand to his chest. "Of all the characters in this stupid story universe, I am the one who wants—no, I am the one tragically gorgeous bishie who _deserves_ a smutty, lemontastic paragraph with a cute and sexy girl! Me! I deserve it! This one!" He crumpled to the ground in an emotional heap. "But Uchiha's victory…" a theatrical sob, "…could that be my _DESTINYYY?_"

"Okay, okay! So Uchiha's a prick…but you know what? That's the breaks," Shikamaru huffed with as much laziness as he could muster, vaguely aware that the lives of every single person in that room depended on him not royally fucking this up. _Dammit, why do I always got to be responsible? _"Just listen to me. What's this about fictional characters and prewritten destinies, anyway? You know that isn't true, Hyuuga, you know that this is all due to an unfortunate chance and not because some author of your life is purposefully and maliciously trying to screw you over. The Fates aren't actually out to get you, of course."

A beat.

Shikamaru took a careful step toward Neji, looking for all the world like a lamb to the slaughter. Or a grown man approaching a hissing kitten. "Come on, man, you can't rely on the convenient guise of a party game to determine your life and your choices." A tentative step. "Because in the real world, in a world where you need to take responsibility for your actions and ambitions," another step, "you have to make your _own_ decisions. If you wanted her that badly, you should have stopped her! You've got to _fight_ for her! No, _no, _not _now_—drop the fist, Hyuuga, that's it, _slowly_—good man." Shikamaru breathed out deeply, then went for the kill.

"You can't fall back on probability, on the games of Fate anymore, Hyuuga," he said quietly, the nonchalance completely gone from his tone this time, "because you, of all people, possess the intellect and the heart to _defeat _it. And you've _got _to. You've _got_ to orchestra your own fortuitous scenarios—_you've got to write your own destiny_."

An admiring hush fell over the room, all of the nins inexplicably touched by this corny speech—and Neji, despite being the self-ordained messiah of destiny that he was, gradually relaxed his stance.

He was pacified at last.

Shikamaru, along with everyone else in the Akimichi basement, exhaled a collective sigh of relief. He had saved Chouji's birthday party, Neji had gotten over his hissy fit—

They were all going to _live_—

"That's right, Hyuuga-teme!" Naruto pumped his fist into the air, jumping in front of Neji to wave his arms enthusiastically. "That's why I totally beat the Fate-loving shit out of you back then, remember—because you were such a heartless, cocky sonofabitch, dattebayo! How could you forget, ya freaky bastard," Naruto cried out excitedly, striking a Good Guy pose right in an infuriated Neji's face and _ping_ing with overzealous gusto, "I already ripped that massive rod out of your ass _years _ago! So don't be mad that it's not YOU," cue very crude, hands-based, explicitly illustrative gesture, "who gets to stick one into Tenten tonight, dattebayo!" _Ping!_

…

Naruto beamed.

Neji twitched.

And Shikamaru wept.

—_Naw, fuck it. They were DOOMED._

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_**~the bitter end~**_

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_A/N: __…_

___…_I think there was supposed to be a point to this story, but I forgot what it was. Whoops

_Inspired by "Naruto! The spin of the bottle says you have to kiss…HINATA!" "OMG like whut!" "N-n-naruto-kun~!" "WhoA! Hinata's, like, really cute and stuff! Thanks to the author so generously writing me into this conveniently timed game and conveniently fortuitous spin, I think I love her! Let's date and marry and have cute babies, dattebayo!" -_- Y'all know what I'm talking 'bout._

_This fic was an experiment…I think? Does this even count as a parody? I have no idea. I'm confused. And going crazy. And listening to ABBA. Halp __D:_

…_Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way about fanfics involving parties/dances/games/shockingly convenient coincidences! I'm always stunned by the literal thousands that are out there…either I'm onto something, or a complete and utter cynic with no heart/soul…_

_Reviews/criticism/encouragement always well and truly loved :)_


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